It’s been a while since I’ve posted something. I’ve been deep in thought these last weeks, thinking about my life and my baby girl. I’ve wanted to write about a couple things but realized that I’m not quite ready to put words to some of the things on my heart right now. So, here’s a little post to hold me over until I figure out exactly what it is I’d like to say.
I get a lot of questions about how I spend my time these days. I like to be productive and contribute to things. I like to leave my house. I like to interact with the world. In short, I like to be doing. While I had a few little panic attacks at the original, pre-diagnosis plan to go back to work after just six weeks, I never imagined a life in which I am a stay at home mom. I’m just not cut out for it.
So, what do I do these days? I spend my days patiently coaxing her to reach for a toy or drink from her bottle. Rowenna is quite a relaxed child, more inclined to just chill and suck her fingers than do anything else. Right now, she appears to be channeling all her energy into developing her social skills. She coos and babbles and smiles. She has this way of turning her head away and then sliding her eyes back at you and flashing a truly mischievous grin. It’s really funny and always well-timed.
Mostly I spend time trying to help her with her physical skills and to be quite honest, this can be hard. It’s in the moments when my baby can’t eat that I feel a little despair and in the moments when her head still flops around that I still cry. I am simultaneously acutely aware of how much she needs me and how much I want to be back at work. This is a difficult thing, this feeling of wanting my old life back even as I watch my child and know deep in my momma heart that she needs me now more than I need my work.
But then she gives me one of her beautiful gummy smiles and her big blue eyes twinkle and I’m back at it, gently nudging her to roll, dangling various toys for her to grab.
In the inbetween times, when she’s napping or truly content to just look at her toys and suck on her fingers, I knit and read and pray. And so we pass our time, Rowenna learning to be Rowenna, and me learning to be her mom.